One of my best friends has recently been contemplating suicide. I spent half the night crying because I know if I were to lose her, I would be lost myself. I love this girl to death, she's really great, but lately her life has been pretty low and she's been getting more and more depressed and been talking about 'giving up' and 'ending the pain' and such.
I want to help her, I really do, but I was in her position four months ago, so I know what she's going through. I, too, contemplated suicide but I overcame it with the help of two friends I confided in. I want to be the friend that helps her overcome it, but I know that saying the wrong thing can set her over the edge, and so can not saying anything at all.
I'll hopefully get some time to talk to her today, as long as I don't fall asleep at school. I pulled an all-nighter and I haven't slept. Which is definitely not healthy, but I was not in the mood to sleep.
Anyways, going to drink a coffee, hopefully wake up, and help my friend today!
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
It's been a while..
It's been a while since I last wrote. I've come to the conclusion that I'm not even writing these for someone to see, I could care less if anyone did see it. I'm writing this because I need to write it somewhere. I've relapsed three times in the past month, and I feel like shit. I'm so sick and tired of it. I don't want to relapse anymore. I don't want to feel like I have to purge all the time. I also don't want to smoke anymore. I had a cigarette tonight, and I had to go and force myself to throw up right away because of how sick I felt. That's not normal, that's not healthy and it's not worth it. I want to be thin, but I don't want to be hospitalized.
On another note, it's been two months since our breakup. I realized last night that it's not you that I miss, it's being wanted. Being talked to, being cared about, having someone to be there for me. I thought I just couldn't get over you, I kept getting smiles and butterflies when you would text me, and I thought I still wanted to be with you. But I don't. I can't. As much as I care about you, and love you nonetheless (as a friend), you're not worth the pain and mental instability I went through the for the past five months.
At first I felt like I was not good enough for you. You proved that to be true by cheating on me, using me and ignoring me. I strived to lose weight, to look prettier, anything to make you proud to be dating me. I shouldn't have to do that. I feel as though our relationship damaged me more than I already was. Thanks for that.
I just want to be happy with who I am, and I feel that I can't because of how mentally instable I am. I know I shouldn't blame others for how I feel, but it is easier than accepting the blame myself. I blame my dad, for cheating on my mother and leaving his family, thus proving that you really don't know anyone. I blame my mom, for not paying more attention to me when I needed it the most. I mean, don't get me wrong, she's a great mother, but that one night, you knew I purged. You knew I went into the bathroom after eating at a restaurant and I forced myself to throw up. You just amde a joke about it and went on with your night. I blame my brothers, for always calling me fat, calling me a whore, a slut, and etcetera. I blame everyone who bullied me when I was younger. You all corrupted me and convinced me to think that I am hideous and will never be accepted. I wish I could accept myself as I am, but I know I will not be content until I am thin and beautiful.
I want to get help, but I'm scared. I'm scared of what people might say, I'm scared of people looking down on me for my ED and mental disorder, but most importantly, I'm scared that I will only get worse.
On another note, it's been two months since our breakup. I realized last night that it's not you that I miss, it's being wanted. Being talked to, being cared about, having someone to be there for me. I thought I just couldn't get over you, I kept getting smiles and butterflies when you would text me, and I thought I still wanted to be with you. But I don't. I can't. As much as I care about you, and love you nonetheless (as a friend), you're not worth the pain and mental instability I went through the for the past five months.
At first I felt like I was not good enough for you. You proved that to be true by cheating on me, using me and ignoring me. I strived to lose weight, to look prettier, anything to make you proud to be dating me. I shouldn't have to do that. I feel as though our relationship damaged me more than I already was. Thanks for that.
I just want to be happy with who I am, and I feel that I can't because of how mentally instable I am. I know I shouldn't blame others for how I feel, but it is easier than accepting the blame myself. I blame my dad, for cheating on my mother and leaving his family, thus proving that you really don't know anyone. I blame my mom, for not paying more attention to me when I needed it the most. I mean, don't get me wrong, she's a great mother, but that one night, you knew I purged. You knew I went into the bathroom after eating at a restaurant and I forced myself to throw up. You just amde a joke about it and went on with your night. I blame my brothers, for always calling me fat, calling me a whore, a slut, and etcetera. I blame everyone who bullied me when I was younger. You all corrupted me and convinced me to think that I am hideous and will never be accepted. I wish I could accept myself as I am, but I know I will not be content until I am thin and beautiful.
I want to get help, but I'm scared. I'm scared of what people might say, I'm scared of people looking down on me for my ED and mental disorder, but most importantly, I'm scared that I will only get worse.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Believing in love*
You act like I'm going to turn on you. You act as if I'll break up with you if you be yourself around me. Just wanna let you know, I'm already dating you, and there's a reason for that. I think you're amazing. You have an amazing personality, you are great with kids, you have a great smile, and dimples, and I'm completely head over heels for you. You're attractive, and I'm completely attracted to you! You are the only one who can make me smile when I want to cry, or make me cry on the happiest day of my life, and I trust you entirely.
I want to let you in, and I want to be let in. But you're stubborn, and I suppose I am as well. You keep telling me that I'm going to think you're weird, different or strange sooner or later, but the truth is I already do think you're weird. I already do think you're different and I already do think you're strange. But I would not have you any other way. You have your flaws, and I love each and every one of them. I used to think that I would never love anyone because I found flaws in EVERYONE, no matter how amazing they were, but as for you, your flaws are part of the reason why I love you.
You always try to make it seem like we should not be together, but there is no one else I would rather be with. Everytime I see a happy couple together, I think of you. I wish we could be that happy couple, but we're both looking so hard for the reasons we should not be together, that we're missing the reasons we should be together.
We haven't been together that long, but I know I'm happy with you, I know I want to be with you, and I do not see myself with anyone else.
You helped me find a reason to believe in love.
Thank you.
I want to let you in, and I want to be let in. But you're stubborn, and I suppose I am as well. You keep telling me that I'm going to think you're weird, different or strange sooner or later, but the truth is I already do think you're weird. I already do think you're different and I already do think you're strange. But I would not have you any other way. You have your flaws, and I love each and every one of them. I used to think that I would never love anyone because I found flaws in EVERYONE, no matter how amazing they were, but as for you, your flaws are part of the reason why I love you.
You always try to make it seem like we should not be together, but there is no one else I would rather be with. Everytime I see a happy couple together, I think of you. I wish we could be that happy couple, but we're both looking so hard for the reasons we should not be together, that we're missing the reasons we should be together.
We haven't been together that long, but I know I'm happy with you, I know I want to be with you, and I do not see myself with anyone else.
You helped me find a reason to believe in love.
Thank you.
Whyy?!
So, when I was single, I would flirt with some guys, and they would flirt back and what not, but hardly any of them made a move.
Now I'm taken. I'm in a relationship that I have absolutely NO intention of screwing up by cheating on this guy, and you boys are all over my fxcking jock strap (metaphorically speaking).
What is with you boys and wanting something you can not have? Why do you wait until a girl is taken before trying to make a move?! You'd think it would be the other way around... where as soon as a girl is single, the guys are all over her. But no, you boys must be stupid or something. Chances are, girls are not going to leave their man for someone who didn't even look at them until another man did.
Like, get your head on straightt!
Just sayin'
Now I'm taken. I'm in a relationship that I have absolutely NO intention of screwing up by cheating on this guy, and you boys are all over my fxcking jock strap (metaphorically speaking).
What is with you boys and wanting something you can not have? Why do you wait until a girl is taken before trying to make a move?! You'd think it would be the other way around... where as soon as a girl is single, the guys are all over her. But no, you boys must be stupid or something. Chances are, girls are not going to leave their man for someone who didn't even look at them until another man did.
Like, get your head on straightt!
Just sayin'
Monday, November 1, 2010
Monday, October 25, 2010
The truth.
So, my father recently walked out on my family. I woke up one morning, and my mother and father asked me to sit down, and my dad told me he would be on a train in less than in hour, heading down towards where his sisters live. My brother asked him how long he would be gone for, and he said that he would not be returning, that the move was permanent. I got dressed and headed off to work.
It's not the first time something like this had happened. Three years ago, during the summer, my father was undergoing a 'mid-life crisis', so my mother claims, and he would work all day, stay late at work and go to his friend's mechanic shop in the night, and he would come home to eat and sleep. On the weekends, he would go away for the whole weekend. Claiming to go on fishing trips and whatnot. My mother went through hell that summer, and she leaned on my older brother and I for support. I was only 15 years old, what was I supposed to do? I didn't want to see my mother like that. It took a huge toll on me because I stopped trusting boys. My father would always threaten to leave my mother. He did once, and all I did while he was gone was cry. I was weak. But then he came back, and everybody acted like nothing happened. But something did happen. Now he's left again, and this time it's for good.
I promised myself I wouldn't cry. He left, and I kept all my emotions inside. I refused to even talk to anyone about it. This is the first time I'm actually adressing the issue, and I guess it's just because I feel like I need to let it out, and this is the easiest way.
Now, I have a boyfriend and I'm terrified. I refuse to let myself get close to him. I'm attracted to him, that's for sure, but I refuse to let myself fall for him. My friend thinks I'm being weird about him, and that I'm just shy, but I'm not. I've had boyfriends before. I just don't want to put myself in a position to get hurt. My friend wonders why I won't tell my boyfriend I miss him or even talk to him too much, and I guess he wonders why too, but I figure the more distant I am, the less I will get hurt. Makes sense, right?
But now I'm screwing myself over. I really like this guy, and I don't want to hurt him. He deserves better. He deserves someone who can give him the affection he should receive. I really do trust him, and I guess that's what scares me the most. He's a great guy. He's nice and cute, and I'm terrified to fall for him.
My friends wanted to know why I was distancing myself from such a great guy, and this is why. He deserves more than I have to offer, thanks to my father.
&& that's the truth.
It's not the first time something like this had happened. Three years ago, during the summer, my father was undergoing a 'mid-life crisis', so my mother claims, and he would work all day, stay late at work and go to his friend's mechanic shop in the night, and he would come home to eat and sleep. On the weekends, he would go away for the whole weekend. Claiming to go on fishing trips and whatnot. My mother went through hell that summer, and she leaned on my older brother and I for support. I was only 15 years old, what was I supposed to do? I didn't want to see my mother like that. It took a huge toll on me because I stopped trusting boys. My father would always threaten to leave my mother. He did once, and all I did while he was gone was cry. I was weak. But then he came back, and everybody acted like nothing happened. But something did happen. Now he's left again, and this time it's for good.
I promised myself I wouldn't cry. He left, and I kept all my emotions inside. I refused to even talk to anyone about it. This is the first time I'm actually adressing the issue, and I guess it's just because I feel like I need to let it out, and this is the easiest way.
Now, I have a boyfriend and I'm terrified. I refuse to let myself get close to him. I'm attracted to him, that's for sure, but I refuse to let myself fall for him. My friend thinks I'm being weird about him, and that I'm just shy, but I'm not. I've had boyfriends before. I just don't want to put myself in a position to get hurt. My friend wonders why I won't tell my boyfriend I miss him or even talk to him too much, and I guess he wonders why too, but I figure the more distant I am, the less I will get hurt. Makes sense, right?
But now I'm screwing myself over. I really like this guy, and I don't want to hurt him. He deserves better. He deserves someone who can give him the affection he should receive. I really do trust him, and I guess that's what scares me the most. He's a great guy. He's nice and cute, and I'm terrified to fall for him.
My friends wanted to know why I was distancing myself from such a great guy, and this is why. He deserves more than I have to offer, thanks to my father.
&& that's the truth.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Learning to tell the truth...
So, let's talk about something that I'm pretty sure a lot of people can relate to; when people lie about their sexual past. If you girls are interested in a guy, don't lie to him about your past. It will backfire. Guys talk about as much as us girls do. When a guy you really like kisses you, and you run home and call your best friend up and tell her and tell a couple more friends later on.. yeah, guys do that too. Therefore, if you pine a guy, chances are he'll tell some friends, who will tell their friends, and etcetera. Guys who don't even know you will know who you are and that you pined him. Therefore, lying to a guy about your sexual past will definately not work to your advantage because chances are he's already heard who you've done through the grapevine. Chances are, you'll have a better shot with your man if you are just honest and upfront. :)
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)